Dear Younger me,
I am sorry for the terrible things that have happened to you, for everything you saw, heard, felt, and the words that have been spoken over you. Most of all, I am so very sorry for holding you hostage all of these years.
I know you have been afraid for far too long, in fact you and fear seem to have become woven together, over time it became a part of your identity. In my feeble attempt to guard and protect you over the years I built up walls so tall that I would constantly stumble and fall. None of it made sense, I was stuck in my own prison, wondering in the dark. Yet the chaos and confusion felt comfortable and “manageable” or so I thought.
Somewhere in the midst of all the trauma I began to become cold and closed off keeping everyone at arm’s length. The fear and anxiety became such a stronghold in my life that I even refused to allow God into the fortress in my heart where I kept you isolated and broken. I had allowed the years of trauma to control my thoughts, actions, behavior and my view of God. I was confused, angry and living in survival mode.
Drugs and alcohol became my escape. Eventually the pain you experienced as a child became my excuse to continue living how Lindsay wanted to live. It was as if I always had a little suitcase with me packed full of justifications for my actions and reasons as to why it was ok for me to live the life I was living. I had convinced myself that I was protecting you but in reality, I was only making you worse. I have kept you away from the only one who is able to heal your brokenness.
It is time, my girl for me to let you go, so that I can move on from what was and walk in confidence towards what is yet to come, trusting and believing that God’s got us. I think the Apostle Paul said it best
Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”
I want you to know before I let you go, that God has fulfilled the promise He gave you many years ago. To be a Wife and Mama, with a stable and loving husband, who will protect you, fight for you and lead your family in the way of The Lord. Which is why I have to let you go. It is time for me to fight for my family, because I still remember the days you(we) prayed for the things I have now.
Sweet child, I am laying you at the foot of the cross, placing you in God’s hands. Allowing God to hold you, nurture you and bond with you will heal you more than words can say. I have to go now, I love you and promise everything will be ok, after all God really loves you and that’s all that matters anyway!